4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
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Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My dating profile:
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.