4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I wish this was real life…
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*