@Harbinger_one “Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
@Dad_At_Law 4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
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@Harbinger_one 
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
@BoutCrazed “I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
@CrockettForReal I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
@McInappropriate she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
@sweetandsimple6 You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
@withanewname psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
@FunnyBison “Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
@StevePeers Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
@reesespiece_ The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)