4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.