4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
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Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
crochet youtube is brutal
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius