4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.