4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
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texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
How funny!
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.