4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
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Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.