4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
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Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello