Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb