4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
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In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My purse is deeper than some people.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…