4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
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Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Don’t talk down to me
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My dog ate my work from home.
Not messing around
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?