4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
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I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
this is how life feels
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
happy mother’s day❤️
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]