4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
This squirrel eats better than I do
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear