4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
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I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
no such thing as a dumb question
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest