4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
You Might Also Like
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
love it when they get my name right
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.