4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.