4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
LOOOOOOL
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.