4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken馃悾 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them馃槀馃槀
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I cannot call her anything else now
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 馃槀
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
OMG 馃ぃ馃ぃ
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
villain: it seems i鈥檓 holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let鈥檚 get ready to crumblllllllle
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I鈥檓 so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.