4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
All excellent questions
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber