4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need