4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December