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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
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Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
translated into Canadian
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.