4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’