4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
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i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.