4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
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Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
There is wisdom there.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’m literally crying
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”