4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
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her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Friends that check up on you >
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”