{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
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The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*