$4 #usedbooks
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My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic