4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are