{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Sniffing the broccoli
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
me when the borders lift
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again