4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
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me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Nice try, NASA
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
We need more people like this.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.