4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’m giving up for Lent.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead