4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
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[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Oh no
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.