4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
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All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
this is literally a CIA plant