4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
May your day taste like creamy soup.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
mom had nothing to worry about
The Book. The Movie.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.