4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Think I pulled my liver
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
A dad and his duck
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.