[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card