4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
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Ladies, why y’all do this?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
the saddest jazz hands ever
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”