4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Damn he played himself
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?