@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

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@TheAndrewNadeau

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

@doktorj

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

@Chhapiness

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

@bewgtweets

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

@jovialjennay

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

@chadhartigan

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

@zachcozad1

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@DaddyJew

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

@Gre_Gone

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

@staidindoors

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.