4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
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This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”