4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.


If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.


My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke


Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.


To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks


RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…


Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.


*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend


[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*


seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.