4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
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a lot to unpack here
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?