4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
6: are snakes just neck?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’