4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
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I put the h in mysterious.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ