4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
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me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!