4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?