4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
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What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET