4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Lol.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain