4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
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I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
As the Lord intended
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.