4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.