4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
the answer was staring at me all along
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio