4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

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“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*


Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*


We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.


Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.


If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.


good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”


Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*


This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.


American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.


Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break