4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
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[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Autocorrect completely socks
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂